Resenting the exclusion

April 23, 2009

I need to get over this resentment I’m feeling. I wasn’t invited to a luncheon my department was having for the sister of a deceased woman that used to work with everyone. I didn’t know the deceased, I don’t know the sister, and I did have bible study already planned for the lunch hour. Still, it would have been nice, even courteous, to be asked to attend. It was a formal invitation, planned out weeks in advance to all of the girls in the department, save myself. I did not know anything about it until an hour beforehand. I know my resentment stems from the exclusion, and I’m not even sure I would have accepted if the invitation was extended. It also irritates me that two girls didn’t know the guest either, and they were invited. I’m not sure if it was after the fact, since I was already in the study room at this point.

I know of a couple deliberate attempts by the organizer to exclude me from things in the department, and this feels like another. Once, the majority of the department was going out to lunch, and she saw me coming out of the bathroom, said “bye” and continued to the elevator, where, as the doors were closing, I saw the rest of the group behind her. Therein lays the root of my resentment: the feeling that it was a deliberate exclusion. It could have been an unintentional oversight, like she didn’t think of me when planning because I didn’t know the women, but previous interaction leads me to believe otherwise.

My hope is that in starting this blog, I can come to peace with a person in my department, regardless of her treatment of me, and learn to hold my tongue in situations where she could make my life miserable. Basically, pouring my frustrations out on paper instead of expelling them verbally. I hate having to watch my step all the time, but when a small person has amassed great power, it’s the measures I have to take.