Goodbye, Pittsburgh

Well, I laid it all out in a voicemail last night. I really hated doing that, but Dan is still sending me to it, and I needed to say some things. I told him I do have strong feelings, but I am very frustrated with never being able to get a hold of him. I said that we should set a certain time to talk each day so that we are still communicating, even if I don't see him before the end of his internship. I said that was fine, but I needed to know how he felt about it. I get the impression he doesn't want to meet up this weekend, and that's not ok, but I'll live. I didn't say anything about breaking up, even though I think we are, but I hope he got the seriousness of the situation.

I started crying at work this morning when my coffee cup came up missing, and I hate that he has reduced me to this. I haven't written a letter in over two weeks, and the last one was very angry and won't be shown to Dan. I hate being in limbo, and I refuse to break up via voicemail or text message. I guess I won't know if silence is the only answer I get . . .

Also, that is the last call to him I make without a response.

What does my heart say?

These days, I wonder if this relationship is worth it. I alternate between waiting for Dan to call and being pissed off at him, usually for not calling. Long distance relationships only work if both people communicate, and I feel like it's rather one-sided at this point. Apparently he feels the same way, as it was his main point in our argument.

He told me that I don't share my feelings with him. All this time I was trying to be a breezy and light girlfriend, and not get too serious too fast, and he's lamenting the fact that I am not being open. Well, if that's what he wants, that's what he'll get. I will gladly share what's in my heart and on my mind, if I could ever get a hold of him. This was my main point of the argument. I told him that I was frustrated with always getting his voicemail and that it has been over a month since we've seen each other. His response was "really?" and then tells me that long distance relationships are hard. No shit.

So, I tried to make plans to drive out and see him this past weekend, as we both had Monday off. I got permission to leave work early, putting me in New Jersey about midnight. This would've given us all day Saturday and Sunday, and most of Monday before I'd have to drive back. He tells me he's not asking me to make the drive, and I told him he doesn't have to, I'm offering. He tells me he has some plans for the weekend- including a guys barbeque (which apparently would not be fun for me). I said that I didn't expect him to change his plans, but that I would tag along, and hanging with the guys is what I do here anyway.

He told me he doesn't want me coming out for the weekend, and that he doesn't like me making the long drive. I said that was fine, I was trying to arrange it last minute, but that I was super bummed about not seeing him. He said that he did miss me and promised that we would meet up halfway this weekend.

We were both still upset, but by then, it was so late that we agreed to continue the conversation when I got out of work the next day. He told me he would call me at 5pm. The call never came, and he's been sending me directly to voicemail ever since- the calls where it cuts off mid ring and voicemail picks up.

This makes it extremely difficult to plan this weekend, and I'm to the point that if we don't meet up, I am going to end it. This thought just kills me inside, but dragging this out kills me even more. I don't need this shit every day, especially if it's just a precursor to how the next year will go.

It is imperative that we talk; if I could only get a hold of him. I really hate the thought of saying all of this on the phone instead of in person, but I guess I don't have a choice. I also have an inkling that he's avoiding me and feeling the same thing. Am I worth the headache he's having over this?

Well, we shall see what happens with the next conversation, of which I'm both looking forward to and dreading.

First official argument.

Dammit.

Details later.

Did we break up?

It has now been officially 9 days since I last heard from Dan, and I am not counting the voicemail he left me at 1am on Friday night, knowing full well I would be sleeping. I'm not sure what this means for our relationship, but every other guy I've dated has ended things the same way, by never calling me again. I'm afraid the same thing has happened here. We had wonderful plans for this weekend and next, and now, with no communication, everything's up in the air. I don't want to be broken up, but it seems once again, I am not given the choice. Fuck him.

The weekend that never was

I'm not sure what the "mandatory" meeting Dan had this weekend but when I called him this afternoon, he was at the beach, specifically the jersey shore. I am so mad because I should have been there. I feel like he made some shit up just so he didn't have to drive to Pittsburgh. There's a lot we need to talk about but I'll have to make a list so I remember. He's really good at distracting me and getting me talking. And all know how much I love to talk.

You're a big booger for not calling me the past two days. You better remedy this quick or I will be pissed.

New equipment wanted

I submitted the paperwork for a new PC today at work. We'll see if my request is granted. I did have over 50 printed ticket numbers from issues I've had in the last 2 and a half years. I can't believe I'll be denied, especially since the last one was such a spectacular fail. I was online and random things started to disconnect, then my entire computer froze. When I rebooted, it reset to factory settings and deleted my profile off it. All day today, I've been lamenting the lack of my own settings.